Hayes's Birth Story-Part II

I was thinking about how absent I have been from documenting lately-I started making excuses to myself like:  "Hayes isn't always taking naps," "I have been working," and "It was Thanksgiving."  All valid and true statements... and then I thought about Hayes's Birth Story-Part I.  No excuse can be made for waiting more than thirteen months to post Part II.  So,  in honor of Hayes's 2nd birthday, let me continue my story exactly where I left off.  (By the way, I noticed, too, that there are only three images in the Part I post.... I am going to share a few more images here.)

Let me begin with my last words from Part I: "and so the snowball grows...." a little bit larger and rolling faster by the second.  And the climax was on the horizon.  The anesthesiologist enters to add to the cocktail that  he mixed and administered earlier.  He stuck a fat syringe into the catheter line that went into my spine...as he released those numbing chemicals into my body, he said, "I'm giving you half now and saving the other half for later during the surgery."  I don't know why he said anything--I had no clue what was going on behind my back.  The nurse, Alisha, entered the room and handed Scott his all white space suit, footies and cap.  As she handed a cap to me, she said, "See what happens when you have a birth plan?"  I wanted to defend myself and tell her what I thought of her making that statement to me in that moment.  I didn't.  I wanted to be easy to get along with.  So, I replied, "Yep, I jinxed myself, didn't I?"  I knew better than that....  There were people rushing around us, unhooking me from all attachments and getting ready to wheel me flat on my back toward my future: Motherhood.  Of course, I am physically and emotionally numb at this point.  I am sad to admit it, but, I was not filled with excitement to see my Baby.  That is so embarrassing to write and then type, now.  But I was stripped of all my dreams and plans to have a natural birth experience.  I guess in that moment, I might have wished I never wrote a birth plan--I know I didn't wish that....  I never would have thought of it before my Natural Childbirth Class...  The nurse wholeheartedly encouraged everyone to make a birth plan.  I took her suggestion and teachings very seriously.  You should have seen the look on those nurses' faces when (after Scott arrived with my bag early in the day, after I had already been induced) I mentioned and then shared the document with them.  They laughed at me.  No joke.  I was lying there, prisoner of modern medicine, while they stood over my piece of paper that I had thought hard about... laughing.  One nurse even said, "Well, we will strike the rest of these off in no time."  Yes, the class I attended was at this very hospital.  So, why did the idea of the "Birth Plan" seem so funny to the nurses taking "care" of me?  Well, at that point, several things I wanted were null and void.  Fine.  They wanted to make a joke about it?  I laughed right along with them(all the while feeling pretty betrayed.)  Looking back, I think:  that was not very caring of them.  That was a huge moment in my life-they didn't consider that.  They see it everyday.  They see it through their tired and worn eyes.  I don't think any of those labor and delivery nurses remembered what it was like to have compassion for a patient, let alone their own feelings within their own experience of giving birth.  They surely didn't show it for me.  Wanna see what my plan was?  As I opened the document that has been saved in my computer--I see the last time I opened it was on November 24, 2008.

Birth Plan ~ Paula Shoultz

•    Minimal or no intervention
•    No induction.
•    No pitocin “to help things along”.
•    No artificial breaking of waters.
•    No epidural/spinal block.
•    No IV drugs.
•    No episiotomy, unless absolutely inescapable.
•    Minimal monitoring.

•    I would like an environment that is low key and relaxed-dimmed lights, music playing (if I so desire) and scented oils.
•    I would like the freedom to move around, change positions, walk, use birthing ball (I brought my own ball).
•    I would like to have visitors in my room during labor.
•    It is very important to me to have three people in the room as I deliver- Mother, Sister and Husband.
•    It is very important that this momentous occasion is documented. I will have still photographs taken during and after delivery.  My sister will be operating the camera.
•    My husband, Scott, would like to have the opportunity to cut the umbilical cord.
•    I would like to have my baby immediately after birth.  I would like to breastfeed as soon as it is possible. 
•    I would like my baby, Hayes, to room in with me.
•    If Hayes has been taken to the nursery for any reason-I would like to be notified to feed him—no formula for my boy, please.
•    Scott and I would like for Hayes to have a circumcision

Well, there it was.  Yes, it was a lot to ask.  But, it was a plan.  I remembered telling myself--this is my plan, but I also plan to be flexible.  I think I was pretty darn flexible.  Was I always happy about it? No.  Did I put up a fight? No.  I really did want to be easy to get along with.  I never want to be one of those patients who doesn't appreciate what the medical staff is doing.  I appreciated it... but I did not agree with it.

 

 

Not only was it the fact that I wasn't delivering vaginally that robbed me of my emotion but physiologically, when a woman goes into labor naturally, oxytocin, a chemical released by a Mother's brain begins to do its work.  That oxytocin is what causes contractions and causes a woman to transform into a Mother-mentally.  It releases into the blood and Mother begins to feel the need to protect her baby, love her baby and feed her baby.  It is a complex and strong potion that bring Mother and Baby together in the most intense way--what a way to begin a relationship!!  ...An uncontrollable need for my Baby and the magical connection that occurs.  I didn't have that.  There was not any oxytocin being produced by my body.  The medical staff at St. Francis Hospital administered pitocin which took the place of oxytocin in my system.  Therefore, no love potion for this Mom.  This Momma had to conjure love up on her own... which beeeelieeeeve me, it was not difficult at all to do.  I already loved Hayes long before he breathed his first breath on his own!  But, I admit that I was distracted by my experience so far.  My spirit was broken.  I had to buck up-I didn't want anyone to see my apathetic mood-I was afraid that one of those idiots would deem me unfit as a Mother.  So, I put on the happiest face I could.  So, we were ready, waiting, now.  They came in and began to wheel me out.  They told Scott that they would be back for him.  My Sister, Laura, waited with him.  

Once I was in the OR, the nurses transferred me from the bed onto the cold, hard table.  It was very flat... and I felt so heavy that soon, I couldn't tell the difference between me and the table.  Nurses and doctors were rushing around me and talking to eachother--for them, it was clearly "just another day" at work.  The attending nurses, one being the already mentioned Alisha, were elbowing eachother and joking and laughing, "This is your side, that is mine.  You stay over there." They laughed as if they were strolling through the door on their way to lunch.  My arms were placed out, stretched on both sides on planks... they didn't strap them down, I understood that was where they were to remain.  My gown was pushed up under my chin.  Every part of me was exposed.  I was naked.  I felt so vulnerable. I couldn't help but to feel like I was being crucified.  Really.  I didn't think I was Jesus.  I just could not get the image out of my mind's eye.  I was being nailed to a cross and these fools were dancing around me, mad, and ridiculing me.  Suddenly, Alisha stepped to my left bedside.  She didn't interact with me-she was focused on what she was doing; in that moment, I was focused on her.  It looked like she settled her feet, at least shoulder width apart, into the floor; she drew her arms up in the air, high, above her head.  By her posture, it looked like she was raring back as if to drive a dagger through my pregnant belly. The dagger was a bingo dobber type applicator with an iodine type substance dripping down from the tip to my skin.  When she had dripped "enough," she brought it down and swiped it vigorously across my body many times.  At that point, the blue drape was drawn up between my belly and my eyes.  The anesthesiologist sitting behind my head asked if I needed a blanket.  I declined as I thought, surely, I would panic under a blanket.  It seemed that everyone was in position and I began to feel pressure on my belly, like cutting.  I started to panic because Scott was still not by my side.  As I began to work up the courage to ask about him, he appeared to my left.  A nurse showed him a stool to sit on.  I just looked into his eyes.... as they were all I could see of him.  Tears began to well up in my eyes.  I focused on Scott as he reassured me the entire time.  He told me that I was strong and doing so good.  Before I could lose myself in my emotion, I regained my composure (Does anyone have composure on an operating table?) and I heard a nurse ask of the operating doctor, Dr. Veronica Smidt, who was pregnant at the time, "What are you going to name your baby?"  Her answer was, "Oh, we never name our babies before we meet them.  We have to see what their personality is first."  There was another casual conversation that didn't involve or relate to me that took place and I thought, "What in the hell are these people thinking?  Don't they have any consideration? Do they realize how offensive their chatter is??"  

Then Dr. Smidt asks me if I thought my baby would have hair.  I told her "I don't know."  How in the heck am I going to know this?  The next thing I know, I hear the subject of conversation has changed:  they were talking about a baby, now.  My Baby!  I couldn't see or hear him.  I began to tremble uncontrollably.  I remember thinking, "Is my shaking going to interfere with the doctor's work?"  Then, there he was, passing behind Scott, three nurses, rubbing him down with recieving blankets, checking him.  I was surprised to see that he didn't have any vernix on him.  He was still quiet.  The nurses used an aspirator on him a few times and then he began to cry.  He really didn't cry very much.  The team was working away on my body.  Dr. Smidt stated that I had fibroids on my uterus.  (Yes, I know, this can be too much for some--but it is part of my story)  She seemed to exude excitement.  "Do you want to see?" she asked.  She seemed to be asking no one-so I said, "ya."  "Not you," she said, "you can't see."  So, she meant Scott.  He stood up to peer over the curtain.  I thought, this is it, he is gonna go down.  He didn't.  He slowly sat back down.  I didn't know in that moment what had just happened.  Scott explained to me later that she held my uterus up above my belly that was clamped wide open and turned it so that Scott could see how weird and freakish I was that I had fibroids on my uterus.  That truly makes me mad.  She should NOT have been holding any part of my insides on the outside of my body.  Those parts are where they are for good function--and pregnancy wreaks havoc on organ placement in the first place--the last thing I need is some cocky doctor tugging on and making an example of my uterus.  It really makes me wonder if what she did that morning has an effect on fertility....  When the nurses were done cleaning Hayes, they asked Scott if he wanted to hold him.  He did.  Scott put Hayes right in my face so I could see him.  It was a beautiful moment.  

The team did their count down of all of their instruments and materials to be sure that they didn't leave anything in my body.  When it was all done and I was put back together, the team moved my heavy and limp body back to the rolling bed.  They locked me in and we were ready to roll.  Scott placed Hayes in his rolling bassinet.... and we were off-on our way back to Room 2020.  When we got back to the room, Alisha told me she was going to re-do my bandage.  She said, "Dr. Smidt thought she did such a great job on it-but, I am going to fix it."  Well, well, well---hen fight, I guess.  I wanted no part in that--but by default, I was part of it.  

After she redressed my surgery site, she sat me up in the bed, handed my Baby to me and helped me to negotiate nursing for the first time.  Hayes was excellent.  He latched on almost immediately.  I remember telling him, "It is my first time, too."  I was so numb still that I kept losing center in the bed.  (I kept involuntarily leaning to the right.)  Scott had to keep pushing me back up.  After I nursed for a short time, Scott went to tell Mom, Dad, Laura and Nathan that Hayes had arrived and that he was perfect.  He invited them to come meet him.

Laura snapped this photo of Scott to document the moment, thank you!

The next day, I was moved into a tiny triage room.  The Labor and Delivery and Postpartum rooms were full.  So, for the next day or so I was forgotten and neglected by the staff.  The doctors didn't see me and I would ring and ring for nurses and they would answer, promise to come to my aid and then not show.  I didn't mind so much, I had my family with me.  Mom is an R.N., so after we waited about an hour for a nurse to help me get up out of bed, we decided we could handle it on our own.  We did.

Hayes was such a good baby from the start.  He didn't really cry much at all.  I nursed him almost anytime he opened his mouth--so, he was never hungry.  We snuggled and held him a lot.  The nurse checked his temperature at one point and it was high.  She instructed us not to hold him until she came back to check his temp again.  That was so hard--especially because all we wanted to do was hold him... and all he wanted was to be held.  So, here he is, wailing from his bassinet.

 

This is one of my favorite. pictures. ever.  Mom is beautiful and Hayes is precious just perched right on his Grandma Brown's chest.

 

I told my sister, Laura, before we ever went to the hospital that I wanted a photo of the three of us from a higher vantage point... right after the birth... well, nothing went as planned, so- she was so thoughtful to remember that and she shot this of us in our tiny triage room.

 

Below, Laura demonstrates how small this room actually was.  We were on our way to an actual post partum room on the real post partum floor.

 

 I think Hayes was advanced from the start (I know, I know--of course I think he is super duper smart, I am his Mom--I am aware-- but I have to shout it out!)--check out his little smirky smile --we were still in the hospital! 

Scott was such a great Dad from the first moment.  He was the first to change Hayes's diaper.  He changed a lot of diapers.  I was helping in this moment.  Happy to be up off my back moving around a nice spacious room.

 

Scott's Mom, Dad and brother, Jimmie, came to visit us.  This is another favored photo.  I love how proud Becky looks as she peers down at her first Grandbaby.  Jimmie is so sweet laying his head on his Mom's shoulder, lightly touching his little nephew's hair and sitting on his big brother's lap... and Scott has his arms around all of them.  He has big love like that.

 

 While I stayed in the hospital, I was given a drug called Heparin, a drug used to treat and prevent blood clots.  I remember a nurse wondering out loud why I was prescribed that as if it were abnormal.  After we got home from the hospital, I called the doctors' office complaining (more like reporting and questioning) of an uncomfortable burning sensation around my surgery site.  The clinician on the other end assured me that feeling was the result of the nureons trying to reconnect.  I didn't buy it.  She said, "Well, you can come in if you really want to."  You know, in that patronizing tone.  So, I declined, hung up, went about my day.  That morning around 4:00am, I nursed Hayes, put him back in his bassinet and proceeded to put myself back in my bed.  I looked down and, to my horror, found blood all over my belly seaping through my hospital issued abdominal binder.  I called the answering service for my doctors' office.  I was instructed to go to the emergency room at St. Francis.  After being scolded by the nurse at the desk for having my newborn in the germy emergency room(really, what was I supposed to do?  drive myself? leave the baby with the dog? She suggested having Scott and Hayes wait in the car. Not doin' that, thanks for your suggestion, though.) and seeing the doctor, we learned that I had a hematoma (a large pocket of blood) under my surgery site.  So, that meant we had to drain it, then keep the open wound clean.... and it would have to heal from the inside out.  So, now that Heparin script makes sense.  Dr. Smidt knew that she didn't suction all the fluid out of my belly (I think she was too busy juggling my uterus in front of her staffers and my husband.) and then ordered Heprin and hoped it would do the work for her.  So, there we were, visiting the wound care clinic regularly and cleaning and packing my wound until it was healed.  So, I think it is clear that I didn't care much for my experience the first time around... so, next time--that is, if ol' Smidty didn't do any serious damage during her circus performance in the OR, we may go somewhere else.  As for our happy ending--well, when it is all said and done, we were left with a very healthy baby... and we did what we needed to do to get back to "normal" and we made it through it.... and we are better because of it.  ....and we live happily ever after.....

Today, Hayes is doing so well.  He is healthy-28.2 pounds and 33 inches tall.  He is a pretty good eater.  He remembers things we did months ago.  He speaks fairly clear--and in several word sentences.  He loves to dance and sing.  He loves his dog, Oliver, and greets him and has to give him goodnight kisses and hugs just as he does us.  He is finding that some things look like other things and he likes to tell us when he sees that.  He is mannerly but forgets that he is sometimes and we need to remind him(--that is going to happen for years to come, I am sure--but he does very well).  He can follow direction.  He tells me, "be careful, Mom. love you, Mom" as I leave to go to work.  He is very loving and thoughful and we have many more years of fun, growth, trial and love to come!!

Here is Hayes after his birthday party trimming the branches of our Christmas tree with his new reciprocating saw.

Daddy Fix It

In mid-September, Scott's truck began making this strange screeching noise.  After consulting his Father, a mechanic, on the phone and taking a look into the drum behind the wheel, he found that it was, in fact, the brakes.  He had never changed drum brakes before.  A lot of the things he has fixed on his vehicles he had never attempted until he absolutely had to.  Isn't that the way?  Well, I suppose the way to go might be to just drop your ailing vehicle off at the shop for a professional to examine, diagnose... and repair... yes.  Well, in an effort to avoid spending more money than we have to, Scott worked up the courage to commit to the job.  He studied and then went to AutoZone for the parts.  It was a project that took a few evenings and days to complete... stopping to go to work, eat and sleep.  As Scott worked, he noticed that some pieces were not making physical sense.  He called the 'Zone and asked a few questions.... the person on the phone denied that anything could be wrong and told Scott that he had the correct pieces.  Scott decided to return to the store with the kit he bought... meaning, yes, he had to disassemble the pieces he had already put together.  Turns out, there were two possible brake kits for his model of truck... he was given the wrong one the first time around.... we had to drive to West Washington Street to grab the correct kit.  No problem... after that, he was back on track.  He jumped right in and finished the job.  All the while, (not all the while... Hayes, of course, was busy doing other things that interest him...) Hayes was with him watching... or knowing that was what Daddy was doing: fixing the truck.  Since then, Hayes thinks his Daddy fixes everything.  And, it is sort of true.  Lights burn out; Daddy puts a fresh bulb in.... and voila!  There is light.  Hayes's flashlight was broken and I told him that his Dad would fix it.  Anytime I tell him that something could break---like if he is rough with a toy, Hayes returns with "Daddy fix it."  He will even make this statement to Scott.  They were playing in the living room one evening while I was working.  Hayes was playing with the lamp.... scooting it across the table.  Scott told Hayes that he should stop messing with the lamp because it could fall, hurt him and break.  Hayes's reply?  "Daddy fix it."  Well, of course.  Don't all Daddies fix everything?  Maybe.  I think Scott is setting a good example, though.  The example is this:  1. You can do anything.  2. Don't throw it away if it is broken; try to fix it.  I think it is an important philosophy...especially in this time of economic consciousness.  

Well, you know what Hayes thinks I do?  He thinks I clean stuff up.  If there is a mess... he will say, "Hayes make a mess.... Mommy clean it up."  Little stinker.  I must say, though, he will spill a little milk or water in the living room and announce it, then run to the kitchen and if there is a dish towel within his reach, he grabs it, runs back to the puddle and proceeds to wipe it up.  So, I guess I am setting a pretty good example, too.

 

Well, you may have noticed.  I have a new address.  I am streamlining my online identities.  Hehe... and, well, "yokephoto" just makes no sense anymore.  I know, you are thinking, "It made sense before?"  No.  It didn't, really.  So, it is time to delete your old bookmark and make a new one.... assuming that I am that important to you... to have a reserved space in your favorites... (yes, I just referenced both windows and mac systems--I want to consider everyone.)

Other upcoming posts:  Update on Hayes and where he is developmentally (I have been severely slacking on the "Mothering" label of this blog--not on mothering, though!!!)

And, yes, I need to address the "failure" post that I dropped online over a month ago.  Amend it?  Maybe.  Explain it?  Yes.

Hot off the reel....

 

There really is something magical about film.  It took me a long time to make the "upgrade" to a digital camera.... when I did, it was as if I stepped out of the dark ages and into a new world where mistakes were less--and my uncertainty over if I "got it" or not disappeared with the sight of every digital image that appeared after each firing of the sensor exposing curtain.  I am doing a major inventory of my files and negatives and I think, "Wow, how brave of me to have shot so many weddings with film!!"  But in the last four years that I have used my ever steady Nikon D200 camera, I seemed to have forgotten that film exists.  Every once in a while, I think that I should throw some film in my 35mm Nikon10-but, then, of course, I will have to have someone else process it (that used to be my favorite thing--dropping off the film and the anticipation of good, thorough exposures and at the same time, the fear that nothing will turn out....) and of course I have to pay for that--so, I tend to stick with the always instantly gratifying digital.

Although, I ran some film through my medium format camera in the Spring and got some lovely, albeit gritty and imperfect, results.  But, that is what I do love about film: grit, grain, happy accidents...  That is what has happened in the images posted here.  My Dad gave me (he is always giving me old cameras that he finds at various antique stores -which I love) an old 35mm Mamiya... usually, these old cameras are not functional--but I had a feeling that I could try this one on for size.  I found some old 200 speed 24 exposure film and loaded her up.  Hayes and I rode the bike to the park; we played and I shot.

 

What happened was the take up reel didn't grab the sprocket holes in the film resulting in this: multiple exposures!!!  With multiple exposures, one can achieve ghostly, overlapped and seemingly underexposed images (because of the layering and layering of frames).  Compositions are left to chance--at one moment the shutter is released and a scene exposed and the next--if not calculated or controlled can be a complete mystery to be discovered only after the film has been processed.  In this instance-I had no idea if the camera would even work... I wondered if there was a light leak--would the entire roll turn out black?  Were the aperture and shutter functioning properly?  I took a chance and with the aid of my scanner and the level tool in Photoshop, I was able to bring out the hidden information embedded in the film strip.... So, the camera works--but in its own special way... I bet if I paid close attention while I was advancing the film after each shot, I could achieve single exposures.  But after this, why in the world would I want to??  I thoroughly appreciate what happened here.  That is a clear reflection of my relationship with photography, actually.  I like things mostly as they are.... I want to photograph something real--someone real-- and keep it real.  Sure, let us retouch and use the tools at our hands to optimize the image--but let us use a light hand...(who am I talking to, here?  the congregation?? "let us...")  I can barely stomach portraits with script hanging over the heads of families in piles of leaves.... "family"  as if we didn't know that they were family... I mean, come on.  Clearly, the photograph was not enough on its own, I suppose... To me, that is not what photography is.  Sure, I believe in montage and the like--but just give me natural, moving people.... and a good (or bad) camera with a clear memory card (or unexposed film) and from there a true portrait might materialize.

 

 

 

It is unreal how the groups overlapped... the swinging images, the eating images... and even the orientation of the compositions [oddly] align to create an intentional look. That is a happy accident.

Hayes and I went to Healing Arts Indy today to photograph a painting in order to reproduce it in 4x6 postcards advertising the November art exhibit in their gallery....  Of course it is directly next door to my former workplace, JP Parker.  So, we stopped in to say, "hi."  It looks so nice in there-a few pieces of furniture have been moved--a new display configured... very nice.  I stole a few pictures while we visited our friends....

Our friend, Jasmine, greets Hayes.  (My camera was in black & white mode-oops.)

Big truck, yellow truck... Shapiro's.

Chuck helping Hayes stand in the window to see out to the street.

 Here is the gorgeous painting I shot--it is by Patricia Rhoden.... and a little stinker who ran all through the space all while clients below us were trying to achieve peaceful relaxation... Oh, boy!

Caught with his hand in the "cookie jar".

Does this look like a happy child?  He was relishing getting to sit on top of that desk aaaand dip the mints (individually wrapped, of course) out onto his lap!

He makes this face because I make this face when I crack the mints into bits for him.

Momma bird.

Mom and Dad's 35th Wedding Anniversary Party!!!

My sister and I have been planning a celebration for my parents, Bonnie and Ken.  We are so excited as it is drawing nearer and nearer..... (it will be held the Saturday after Thanksgiving at 7pm) Let us take a look at a few pictures from their wedding day in 1975.  They were married the Saturday after Thanksgiving at St. Joseph Church in Bramble, Indiana.  Their reception was held just down the hill at the Bramble Conservation Club building.  They were and are still into Black Hills Gold jewelry... and it was fall--so they decorated with the Black Hills Gold in mind and with bittersweet branches....

Mr. and Mrs. Ken Brown on their wedding day 1975 Bramble, Indiana

Best Man: Fred Walker, Jr.; Maid of Honor: Jill White; Groom: Ken Brown; Bride: Bonnie Brown; Parents of Bride: Joanne and Richard Griffith; Parents of the Groom: Margaret (Ermil) and Paul Brown 1975

Mr. and Mrs. Ken Brown

 

The cake below is Mona Sidel's interpretation of a Black Hills Gold cake.... isn't it beautiful??  Well, I am thrilled to share that we have hired Mona to make Mom and Dad's cake... when I called her and explained what we are planning, she said, "Oh, no! I hope it isn't a Black Hills Gold cake!" Hahaha I am sure she is kidding--and by now, she has made so many cakes--that I am pretty sure that she could replicate this one in her sleep.  I don't plan on asking her to make the same thing--but you better believe I will be bringing this photo to the cake meeting.... we will figure something out--and it is going to be beautiful and delicious!

Black Hills Gold cake by Mona Sidel 1975

As far as food goes... we asked my Aunt Cathy Brown to help us out.  She catered Laura's wedding and my reception--and the food was fabulous!!  So, we know we cannot go wrong asking for her (and my Uncle Jerry, of course) for help.  We are not going to have a full on dinner -- we are going to have a wonderful array of foods to snack on.... the idea is that it will be a sort of open house... we won't be asking for RSVPs.... so a sit down dinner does not quite fit that attitude--there will be plenty, though-- so--if a guest didn't get to eat dinner that evening before stopping by, they will be satisfied. 

 

Ken and Bonnie Brown at the Bramble Conservation Club 1975

When my Dad was in high school, the happening place to meet up was the Calumet in Jasper.  (We aren't going to discuss my Mother's age at this time... as they didn't meet until the seventies...)  The kids would dance and enjoy good times while their favorite bands would play... Paul Penny and the Trendels and Carnations were the favorites.

Paul Penny, The Carnations and The Trendels 1960s possibly at the Calumet in Jasper??

I was so lucky to get to go with my parents three years ago and see Paul Penny (and his brothers) play at the Calumet on the Lake.  Unfortunately, the event was poorly advertised as I know there would have been a lot more people if they knew.... Scott came, too--it was sooo much fun.  These guys can really play... so, it gave me an idea..... maybe Laura and I could ask them to come play for Mom and Dad's big shindig!!  So, we asked and they agreed--for a small fee, of course!  We are so excited!!!

Paul Penny (year??)

 We are going to hold the party at the Knights of Columbus on Main Street in Washington.... it is the best deal in town... bar tender on staff... liquor license already acquired.... less for us to worry about... and it really is a good place--and for me--quite a few good memories growing up with many celebrations and memorials held there...

 

I am soooooo super excited about the invitations!  Laura and I hired our dear dear friend, Sarah Anderson to design the postcards.  She designed my wedding invitations--and many other couples, too--she has her own Etsy shop where she offers her wares.... custom orders are the best, though, in my opinion--because she really can come back with such a great piece that truly represents the personalities and the event at hand..... check out her shop, please--she is amazing!!  See you be you  She is very busy at the moment--so her shop is closed--but, still, click the link and then you can click on her sold button--you can see some of the amazing things she has done.... below is a shot I took of my screen so I could message Laura and Mom with the in the moment progress of the making of the invite...so, it evolved just a little from here.... you will see soon as you hold it in your hand!!!

 

We are so excited to get to do this for Mom and Dad--they are such wonderful parents and a great couple.  Their love has stood the test of time... we have to rejoice in that with them!!  They deserve a big blow out party--Laura and I are going to do the best we can to make it a very special night!!!

Hope to see you there!

I'm okay, I promise.

One thing I can do--is exhibited below:  teach Hayes to feel the music!!  This is just a small taste, by the way!!! (and it was back in August...poor quality, too--Blackberry...ahem!)

How many times did I use the word, in any form, "fail"?

Well, I have been busy leading my simple life.... so, I have been away from the computer.  There have been a lot of things on my mind.  I mean, imagine that.  I have just been severed from a relationship with an entire group of people.  Let us not talk about fault right now.  I have mulled that over and over and over.  I just want to mention that it does hurt to be exiled.  When we drive by the flower shop on our way downtown, Hayes's little voice pipes up behind me, "flarbop?!" (flower shop)  My heart breaks right there... I tell him exactly this, "I am sorry, honey, but momma said some things and now we are not welcome there."  He is quiet.  I am quiet.  I also, while we are on the subject, want to update:  Remember when I said, "um, this is for free, by the way... thank you."  to Scott as we hung artwork in the flower shop the night before I received the firing email?  Well, I was wrong.  I was surprised to find a check accompanied by a neutral tone message from the flower shop... compensating us for our work.  Thank you, Parkers--not only for the compensation and recognition of work done, but for everything.  I know, I have said it before-but, I guess I want to say it again--because I truly do mean it.  Thank you.

Okay.  Moving on.  What are these things on my mind?  (Wether you are asking or not, I am attempting to tell and sometimes that means I have to ask the question of myself.)
Let me brainstorm for a minute-then, maybe I will be able to put it into actual sentences....

failure--I think I am always thinking about that.  Remember when I said, "I am going to shit some good shit this year!"? My first post of this year: Free Write Babble Bullshit - it is almost the same post as this one--I just think I know more today.... in lieu of that post's message: failure.
balance--one of the hardest things about motherhood--balance between self and self-less
fear-oh, gosh--this one is huge.... it blankets a lot of subjects swimming in my brain.
ignorance-- some stuff I have to just pretend I don't know--or it will kill me
business--ha!!  my photography business is non existent... I killed my wretched website--oh, it was awful... I have been calling this a period of rebirth-- but, I cannot honestly say that a photography business will be born of it.  I am desperate to sell some of my thrifty finds on Etsy--but, I keep putting it off for fear of more failure.... ooohh, "business" is a big subject, apparently.
money--who doesn't think about money??
party--My sister and I are throwing an anniversary party for our parents in November--it is October!
merchandise--back to dreams of Etsy.... could I sell my photography there?? I doubt it.
skill--oh, this ties in with business.... I am forever questioning my skill.  I mean, I know that I have a discriminating eye when it comes to composition and light--but is it any better than the next guy?  Probably not.. and if it might be better, the next guy has eight lenses, off camera flash set up and four assistants to do it all.....
friends--I think about my friends a lot... close ones-trying to make plans to meet and so on--and then the 350 friends on facebook who I don't really know all that well anymore--yet, I still hope that this open wire of connect remains--just in case they or I need to reach out....and some, I hope that they don't hate me--why?? why do I care about that?  They are not thinking of me.
pay what you can-Panera Bread is doing it.  Could I?  No one wants to pay much for photography.  There is always a friend who will do it for free (I have been that friend.)  So, what if I offer portraits, parties, weddings and all other private jobs at a "name your price" rate.  Would I be taken advantage of? Probably.  What if I had the control over wether or not I would accept the gig?  That would be better, wouldn't it?  Eh, that is a dumb idea.
self worth--oh, I guess the last statement sorta spells this one out.... this is a life-long thing.... I will never stop questioning my worth.... unfortunately.
artwork, non artist--I don't feel much like an artist anymore.  I mean, I don't know if I ever really did feel like I was an artist.  I feel like one has to do a lot more work, studying and living before she can call herself an artist.  I remember on my wedding night, in Las Vegas, we were "all" in the car on the way to celebrate--somewhere... we didn't know exactly where-- and all I really remember is somehow the conversation led to art--and I said I was an artist--my cousin says something like- "you can't call yourself an artist..."  he didn't mean that personally to me--he has never seen my work--he meant that in the sense that only others (critics, historians, artists) can label artists.... that really struck a chord with me.... it was three years ago--since then, I have continued trying to be an artist--but never really feeling like one... These big damn photos on my walls stare back, mocking me every effing day of my life, here.  What a joke!!



So, really, what just happened here was a brainstorm gone bad.  I thought I would be able to type some words in--type some fast notes and formulate the thoughts into coherent paragraphs... ugh, failure.  Ya, there are more words, below, too--but, I don't have the energy to cover them....and Hayes's nap is about over...and you know what?? double fail--because, this house is a complete and utter disaster.... I thought I would have a yard sale last Saturday--try to purge some things--give my junk a chance to make me a few dollars... fail.  Rain.  So, in an effort to organize the sale, the house went to pot.... and here we are Monday...

connections
baby
fashion ---- entered a design for Project IMA (wearable art show) >fail.
confidence --
news--turn it off
comparison
clean and orderly
efficiency
faith

Hayes and I did, however, have a nice lunch with Scott at India Garden Restaurant in Broad Ripple today.  The last time I ate Garden was when Hayes was a little baby.  It is such a treat.  (Scott didn't make his lunch-I told him to print off some IGR coupons and we would pick him up.)  The food was delicious and the crowd was diverse.  I love going out to eat in good restaurants--not expensive restaurants--good ones... ones with tasty food and family owners.... there is such an array of different types of people you will dine with... Hayes, as a small child, is forgiven as he stares constantly at the table of Latino painters who sat behind us each with their hair gelled heavily--two wore spikes and one had faux hawk hair taking shape (--hehe, sorry, I am constantly observing people's hair, now that I work in a salon) There was a table of lesbians (one was more of a transgender with her black pants, belt, button down, tie, big watch and boy hair, while the others took on more feminine appearances with their long pony tail hair-two wore monochromatic jogging suits and the other was very quiet... was she new?). There was a very tall (I mean, very) man with his very smart son.  There were middle aged women wearing shiny leggings.  There was an artsy couple--she had bed head and he had a beard.  There was a middle aged couple... the woman watched and smiled as Hayes moved and grooved to the Indian music falling down from the overhead speakers.  At the hot bar, a girl(dressed in office wear with long shiny hair) told her co-worker that she had no idea that the group was taking a different direction..... "the last email I got was about the first idea-so, I have been problem solving over that set of ideas."  The male co-worker replied, "ya, I got an email early, saying they were taking a new direction..."  Hmmm.  Oh, to be a woman in the workplace--still left behind!  Well, I am sure that is more than anyone wanted to know about my lunch hour... but, I just have to say, it is the simple stuff..... sometimes I need to just watch people.  It is one of my favorite things, really.  But, as you can see, the above list and comments point to a kind of self-criticism that is hard to look up from.  I swear, I am not into myself.  I talk about myself, my views, my thoughts 1. because I can't get away from it; 2. because it is what I know and what I am trying to know; 3. because it is safer--I am not going to fire myself for saying things I didn't like.

My Quick (non)facebook Fix

Oh my goodness!  What is this?? Facebook down??  Scott is home early today (my fault... locking us out of the house!!)  So, as my butternut squash is baking away in the oven... Scott and Hayes play--I think, "aaahh, I can check the ol' fb before I have to be productive and shuffle off to work...."  Navigate to login--enter in my key and I am waiting....   try again--because surely it is my connection..... nothing.  Search:  "facebook down?"  Sure enough-below: ticker, scrolling "facebook down!", "forced to blog because facebook is down...",  and "OMG!  Facebook is down everyone is tweeting!"
It is staggering how much we all rely on the social networking site.  Sure, not everyone!  But, more than 500 million active users!  Quite a lot....  So, I am eager to see on the late night news what the cause is.... and hopefully I will be able to catch up-see what was made for dinner, wish a happy birthday or link to an interesting article....

Some very exciting news:  Hayes peed in the potty!!  Yes, it is true.  We have a long road ahead of us, for sure--I mean, he isn't even two, yet!  We have been talking about it... so, after he saw what a fuss I made over his pee in the potty, I am sure he is getting a better understanding of it all.  Just wanted to mark it in time.... and maybe proclaim it from my virtual rooftop.

Oh, and so fun, today, as I flipped to the Metro+State section of the Indianapolis Star, there was an image of someone very familiar to me on the cover: my husband!  Scott is helping to install an exhibit of artwork by Andy Warhol.  Link to article and images here.

These are a Few of My Favorite Things

I think yard sale-ing has to be one of my favorite things.  It is like a mission--plotting a route--making it the most efficient it can be--not to waste gas or time and making sure that Starbucks is somewhere along the way.... I like to talk with people I don't know and look at their discarded things.  Hayes likes it, too.  I am not just saying that to make myself feel better about dragging him in and out of the car, either.  He really does enjoy it.  He likes to see different places.  He likes to greet new and unfamiliar people (which, yes, could be dangerous in stranger situations-we will have that conversation eventually... for now, we work on being friendly).  He likes to play with toys that are for sale, too.  I don't buy him stuff just because it is inexpensive... he has plenty of toys--if there is something that I know he will enjoy later-I may get it--or if it makes sense-I will.  There are plenty of times when I explain to him "just because we want it, doesn't mean we get it".  And people give him things all of the time.  (Especially when I am trying to explain that we already have something.)  I am nice and we say "Thank you."  But-don't you people know I am trying to teach a kid something!  Haha--it is super sweet, though.  There is an image below of Hayes playing with a phone in a driveway while my shadow looms over him.  He did not want to leave that phone behind.  I knew better than to introduce him to it--but the nice old lady didn't consider the notion that I wouldn't buy it or that Hayes would not let it go so easily.  She got it down from a table (where it was originally out of his view) and pushed buttons and told him how it worked.  It was three dollars.  Hayes has a phone like it and other play cell phones.  I was not going to buy it just to keep the peace.  I let him play with it while I carried the bag of books (for him) to the van.  Then, it was a negotiation and then, finally, a fit on the way to the car.  He arched his back, not wanting to be buckled in.  I kept calm, talking him through my decision and reminding him that he has new books to read.  I closed his door, then peeked in from the front and asked him if he wanted to look at a book.  He rested his fight and took the book.  I asked him if he wanted me to open his door so he could wave goodbye to the lady.  He nodded, "yes."  I opened the door.... no need to get the lady's attention as it was still on us... She smiled and waved back.  I felt good about that.  I said "no" and the world did not fall apart.  I think sometimes parents give in too often just because they don't want to hear the fit or rationally explain to an irrational child.  I accept the challenge.  We are not made of money and it is likely we have something just as good at home.  (Now, if I could tell myself that, I would have left the wedding dress pictured below at the yard sale!!)

I saw the address for this sale in the paper and it was a sure stop... we drove through a beautiful gate and there was the barn.  We couldn't even see the house--it was down the drive and behind several trees.

Inside the barn-there were many bargains to be had... I bought a clear glass cylinder vase for three dollars that at the ol' flower shop sells for $40.  I found a pair of never worn wooden wedge and satin strap shoes by Nine West--tried them on and they fit--five bucks--but I thought better of it--left them behind for someone else to discover.

Ponies (and a goat) in the barn!!  Hayes didn't know quite what to think... especially when this one in the foreground kept showing his big teeth!!  

Hayes said, "Pool!!" and got right in.... 

Bought this cute lil' blazer and pant set for Hayes.  It is vintage... big for now,  but it will be great for Easter 2012.....

Okay... so, this was certainly not necessary.... considering I have already had my wedding... but, as I have a weakness for fine vintage items--I couldn't pass it up.  This dress was worn in 1949.  The woman who had this for sale confessed that she wished she would have taken her Mother's suggestion and worn it for her wedding day... she said "but of course, I had to have my own, new dress...." I told her that was a valid and personal decision to make.  She kept the dress all these years.  It probably was not stored in the best way--as it is quite wrinkled... but it is in very good condition... if I were a judge.... The entire thing is made of this heavy and luxurious satin.  At the top, the bodice is covered with a fine floral lace.... a bit brittle, but still in tact.  The buttons are satin and lace covered.  There are long satin handless gloves that came with it... also with satin covered buttons.  I bet you want to know how much I gave....  three dollars.  Yes, three dollars.  Now, that statement will surely make it hard to sell at a higher and appropriate price... but, since we know that this site doesn't get traffic from readers outside my family and friend circle .... well, I should have no problems.  

Detail of top....  I don't think I will sell it, anyway--I think I can use it in my artwork.  And it fits so nicely--really, like it was altered to fit me.  Time will tell--and the dry cleaning bill on this baby will be at least $75 and I will have to sign a release form, for sure... (so, I don't see myself investing that money just to photograph myself in it...)  I could cut it in half and make a top out of it... so many directions to take.....

Hayes visits with a cat at a garage sale.

Hayes enjoying his reflection in an old medicine cabinet's mirror for sale in the Meridian-Kessler neighborhood.

The calm before the storm....

 

This dress is BCBG... I don' t get hung up on names--but when I find something with a name--it is a bonus, I suppose... bought it for two dollars from a very generous seller at the Lockerbie Neighborhood Sales...she was giving things to me... so nice of her--and by the way, everything she had for sale was either from Nordstrom or tiny boutiques with big price tags.

This has to be my favorite image of me.  It says so much about who I am.  (Even beyond it being at a yard sale.) I won't explain.  I will let the picture speak for itself.... for now.