Hayes's Birth Story-Part II

I was thinking about how absent I have been from documenting lately-I started making excuses to myself like:  "Hayes isn't always taking naps," "I have been working," and "It was Thanksgiving."  All valid and true statements... and then I thought about Hayes's Birth Story-Part I.  No excuse can be made for waiting more than thirteen months to post Part II.  So,  in honor of Hayes's 2nd birthday, let me continue my story exactly where I left off.  (By the way, I noticed, too, that there are only three images in the Part I post.... I am going to share a few more images here.)

Let me begin with my last words from Part I: "and so the snowball grows...." a little bit larger and rolling faster by the second.  And the climax was on the horizon.  The anesthesiologist enters to add to the cocktail that  he mixed and administered earlier.  He stuck a fat syringe into the catheter line that went into my spine...as he released those numbing chemicals into my body, he said, "I'm giving you half now and saving the other half for later during the surgery."  I don't know why he said anything--I had no clue what was going on behind my back.  The nurse, Alisha, entered the room and handed Scott his all white space suit, footies and cap.  As she handed a cap to me, she said, "See what happens when you have a birth plan?"  I wanted to defend myself and tell her what I thought of her making that statement to me in that moment.  I didn't.  I wanted to be easy to get along with.  So, I replied, "Yep, I jinxed myself, didn't I?"  I knew better than that....  There were people rushing around us, unhooking me from all attachments and getting ready to wheel me flat on my back toward my future: Motherhood.  Of course, I am physically and emotionally numb at this point.  I am sad to admit it, but, I was not filled with excitement to see my Baby.  That is so embarrassing to write and then type, now.  But I was stripped of all my dreams and plans to have a natural birth experience.  I guess in that moment, I might have wished I never wrote a birth plan--I know I didn't wish that....  I never would have thought of it before my Natural Childbirth Class...  The nurse wholeheartedly encouraged everyone to make a birth plan.  I took her suggestion and teachings very seriously.  You should have seen the look on those nurses' faces when (after Scott arrived with my bag early in the day, after I had already been induced) I mentioned and then shared the document with them.  They laughed at me.  No joke.  I was lying there, prisoner of modern medicine, while they stood over my piece of paper that I had thought hard about... laughing.  One nurse even said, "Well, we will strike the rest of these off in no time."  Yes, the class I attended was at this very hospital.  So, why did the idea of the "Birth Plan" seem so funny to the nurses taking "care" of me?  Well, at that point, several things I wanted were null and void.  Fine.  They wanted to make a joke about it?  I laughed right along with them(all the while feeling pretty betrayed.)  Looking back, I think:  that was not very caring of them.  That was a huge moment in my life-they didn't consider that.  They see it everyday.  They see it through their tired and worn eyes.  I don't think any of those labor and delivery nurses remembered what it was like to have compassion for a patient, let alone their own feelings within their own experience of giving birth.  They surely didn't show it for me.  Wanna see what my plan was?  As I opened the document that has been saved in my computer--I see the last time I opened it was on November 24, 2008.

Birth Plan ~ Paula Shoultz

•    Minimal or no intervention
•    No induction.
•    No pitocin “to help things along”.
•    No artificial breaking of waters.
•    No epidural/spinal block.
•    No IV drugs.
•    No episiotomy, unless absolutely inescapable.
•    Minimal monitoring.

•    I would like an environment that is low key and relaxed-dimmed lights, music playing (if I so desire) and scented oils.
•    I would like the freedom to move around, change positions, walk, use birthing ball (I brought my own ball).
•    I would like to have visitors in my room during labor.
•    It is very important to me to have three people in the room as I deliver- Mother, Sister and Husband.
•    It is very important that this momentous occasion is documented. I will have still photographs taken during and after delivery.  My sister will be operating the camera.
•    My husband, Scott, would like to have the opportunity to cut the umbilical cord.
•    I would like to have my baby immediately after birth.  I would like to breastfeed as soon as it is possible. 
•    I would like my baby, Hayes, to room in with me.
•    If Hayes has been taken to the nursery for any reason-I would like to be notified to feed him—no formula for my boy, please.
•    Scott and I would like for Hayes to have a circumcision

Well, there it was.  Yes, it was a lot to ask.  But, it was a plan.  I remembered telling myself--this is my plan, but I also plan to be flexible.  I think I was pretty darn flexible.  Was I always happy about it? No.  Did I put up a fight? No.  I really did want to be easy to get along with.  I never want to be one of those patients who doesn't appreciate what the medical staff is doing.  I appreciated it... but I did not agree with it.

 

 

Not only was it the fact that I wasn't delivering vaginally that robbed me of my emotion but physiologically, when a woman goes into labor naturally, oxytocin, a chemical released by a Mother's brain begins to do its work.  That oxytocin is what causes contractions and causes a woman to transform into a Mother-mentally.  It releases into the blood and Mother begins to feel the need to protect her baby, love her baby and feed her baby.  It is a complex and strong potion that bring Mother and Baby together in the most intense way--what a way to begin a relationship!!  ...An uncontrollable need for my Baby and the magical connection that occurs.  I didn't have that.  There was not any oxytocin being produced by my body.  The medical staff at St. Francis Hospital administered pitocin which took the place of oxytocin in my system.  Therefore, no love potion for this Mom.  This Momma had to conjure love up on her own... which beeeelieeeeve me, it was not difficult at all to do.  I already loved Hayes long before he breathed his first breath on his own!  But, I admit that I was distracted by my experience so far.  My spirit was broken.  I had to buck up-I didn't want anyone to see my apathetic mood-I was afraid that one of those idiots would deem me unfit as a Mother.  So, I put on the happiest face I could.  So, we were ready, waiting, now.  They came in and began to wheel me out.  They told Scott that they would be back for him.  My Sister, Laura, waited with him.  

Once I was in the OR, the nurses transferred me from the bed onto the cold, hard table.  It was very flat... and I felt so heavy that soon, I couldn't tell the difference between me and the table.  Nurses and doctors were rushing around me and talking to eachother--for them, it was clearly "just another day" at work.  The attending nurses, one being the already mentioned Alisha, were elbowing eachother and joking and laughing, "This is your side, that is mine.  You stay over there." They laughed as if they were strolling through the door on their way to lunch.  My arms were placed out, stretched on both sides on planks... they didn't strap them down, I understood that was where they were to remain.  My gown was pushed up under my chin.  Every part of me was exposed.  I was naked.  I felt so vulnerable. I couldn't help but to feel like I was being crucified.  Really.  I didn't think I was Jesus.  I just could not get the image out of my mind's eye.  I was being nailed to a cross and these fools were dancing around me, mad, and ridiculing me.  Suddenly, Alisha stepped to my left bedside.  She didn't interact with me-she was focused on what she was doing; in that moment, I was focused on her.  It looked like she settled her feet, at least shoulder width apart, into the floor; she drew her arms up in the air, high, above her head.  By her posture, it looked like she was raring back as if to drive a dagger through my pregnant belly. The dagger was a bingo dobber type applicator with an iodine type substance dripping down from the tip to my skin.  When she had dripped "enough," she brought it down and swiped it vigorously across my body many times.  At that point, the blue drape was drawn up between my belly and my eyes.  The anesthesiologist sitting behind my head asked if I needed a blanket.  I declined as I thought, surely, I would panic under a blanket.  It seemed that everyone was in position and I began to feel pressure on my belly, like cutting.  I started to panic because Scott was still not by my side.  As I began to work up the courage to ask about him, he appeared to my left.  A nurse showed him a stool to sit on.  I just looked into his eyes.... as they were all I could see of him.  Tears began to well up in my eyes.  I focused on Scott as he reassured me the entire time.  He told me that I was strong and doing so good.  Before I could lose myself in my emotion, I regained my composure (Does anyone have composure on an operating table?) and I heard a nurse ask of the operating doctor, Dr. Veronica Smidt, who was pregnant at the time, "What are you going to name your baby?"  Her answer was, "Oh, we never name our babies before we meet them.  We have to see what their personality is first."  There was another casual conversation that didn't involve or relate to me that took place and I thought, "What in the hell are these people thinking?  Don't they have any consideration? Do they realize how offensive their chatter is??"  

Then Dr. Smidt asks me if I thought my baby would have hair.  I told her "I don't know."  How in the heck am I going to know this?  The next thing I know, I hear the subject of conversation has changed:  they were talking about a baby, now.  My Baby!  I couldn't see or hear him.  I began to tremble uncontrollably.  I remember thinking, "Is my shaking going to interfere with the doctor's work?"  Then, there he was, passing behind Scott, three nurses, rubbing him down with recieving blankets, checking him.  I was surprised to see that he didn't have any vernix on him.  He was still quiet.  The nurses used an aspirator on him a few times and then he began to cry.  He really didn't cry very much.  The team was working away on my body.  Dr. Smidt stated that I had fibroids on my uterus.  (Yes, I know, this can be too much for some--but it is part of my story)  She seemed to exude excitement.  "Do you want to see?" she asked.  She seemed to be asking no one-so I said, "ya."  "Not you," she said, "you can't see."  So, she meant Scott.  He stood up to peer over the curtain.  I thought, this is it, he is gonna go down.  He didn't.  He slowly sat back down.  I didn't know in that moment what had just happened.  Scott explained to me later that she held my uterus up above my belly that was clamped wide open and turned it so that Scott could see how weird and freakish I was that I had fibroids on my uterus.  That truly makes me mad.  She should NOT have been holding any part of my insides on the outside of my body.  Those parts are where they are for good function--and pregnancy wreaks havoc on organ placement in the first place--the last thing I need is some cocky doctor tugging on and making an example of my uterus.  It really makes me wonder if what she did that morning has an effect on fertility....  When the nurses were done cleaning Hayes, they asked Scott if he wanted to hold him.  He did.  Scott put Hayes right in my face so I could see him.  It was a beautiful moment.  

The team did their count down of all of their instruments and materials to be sure that they didn't leave anything in my body.  When it was all done and I was put back together, the team moved my heavy and limp body back to the rolling bed.  They locked me in and we were ready to roll.  Scott placed Hayes in his rolling bassinet.... and we were off-on our way back to Room 2020.  When we got back to the room, Alisha told me she was going to re-do my bandage.  She said, "Dr. Smidt thought she did such a great job on it-but, I am going to fix it."  Well, well, well---hen fight, I guess.  I wanted no part in that--but by default, I was part of it.  

After she redressed my surgery site, she sat me up in the bed, handed my Baby to me and helped me to negotiate nursing for the first time.  Hayes was excellent.  He latched on almost immediately.  I remember telling him, "It is my first time, too."  I was so numb still that I kept losing center in the bed.  (I kept involuntarily leaning to the right.)  Scott had to keep pushing me back up.  After I nursed for a short time, Scott went to tell Mom, Dad, Laura and Nathan that Hayes had arrived and that he was perfect.  He invited them to come meet him.

Laura snapped this photo of Scott to document the moment, thank you!

The next day, I was moved into a tiny triage room.  The Labor and Delivery and Postpartum rooms were full.  So, for the next day or so I was forgotten and neglected by the staff.  The doctors didn't see me and I would ring and ring for nurses and they would answer, promise to come to my aid and then not show.  I didn't mind so much, I had my family with me.  Mom is an R.N., so after we waited about an hour for a nurse to help me get up out of bed, we decided we could handle it on our own.  We did.

Hayes was such a good baby from the start.  He didn't really cry much at all.  I nursed him almost anytime he opened his mouth--so, he was never hungry.  We snuggled and held him a lot.  The nurse checked his temperature at one point and it was high.  She instructed us not to hold him until she came back to check his temp again.  That was so hard--especially because all we wanted to do was hold him... and all he wanted was to be held.  So, here he is, wailing from his bassinet.

 

This is one of my favorite. pictures. ever.  Mom is beautiful and Hayes is precious just perched right on his Grandma Brown's chest.

 

I told my sister, Laura, before we ever went to the hospital that I wanted a photo of the three of us from a higher vantage point... right after the birth... well, nothing went as planned, so- she was so thoughtful to remember that and she shot this of us in our tiny triage room.

 

Below, Laura demonstrates how small this room actually was.  We were on our way to an actual post partum room on the real post partum floor.

 

 I think Hayes was advanced from the start (I know, I know--of course I think he is super duper smart, I am his Mom--I am aware-- but I have to shout it out!)--check out his little smirky smile --we were still in the hospital! 

Scott was such a great Dad from the first moment.  He was the first to change Hayes's diaper.  He changed a lot of diapers.  I was helping in this moment.  Happy to be up off my back moving around a nice spacious room.

 

Scott's Mom, Dad and brother, Jimmie, came to visit us.  This is another favored photo.  I love how proud Becky looks as she peers down at her first Grandbaby.  Jimmie is so sweet laying his head on his Mom's shoulder, lightly touching his little nephew's hair and sitting on his big brother's lap... and Scott has his arms around all of them.  He has big love like that.

 

 While I stayed in the hospital, I was given a drug called Heparin, a drug used to treat and prevent blood clots.  I remember a nurse wondering out loud why I was prescribed that as if it were abnormal.  After we got home from the hospital, I called the doctors' office complaining (more like reporting and questioning) of an uncomfortable burning sensation around my surgery site.  The clinician on the other end assured me that feeling was the result of the nureons trying to reconnect.  I didn't buy it.  She said, "Well, you can come in if you really want to."  You know, in that patronizing tone.  So, I declined, hung up, went about my day.  That morning around 4:00am, I nursed Hayes, put him back in his bassinet and proceeded to put myself back in my bed.  I looked down and, to my horror, found blood all over my belly seaping through my hospital issued abdominal binder.  I called the answering service for my doctors' office.  I was instructed to go to the emergency room at St. Francis.  After being scolded by the nurse at the desk for having my newborn in the germy emergency room(really, what was I supposed to do?  drive myself? leave the baby with the dog? She suggested having Scott and Hayes wait in the car. Not doin' that, thanks for your suggestion, though.) and seeing the doctor, we learned that I had a hematoma (a large pocket of blood) under my surgery site.  So, that meant we had to drain it, then keep the open wound clean.... and it would have to heal from the inside out.  So, now that Heparin script makes sense.  Dr. Smidt knew that she didn't suction all the fluid out of my belly (I think she was too busy juggling my uterus in front of her staffers and my husband.) and then ordered Heprin and hoped it would do the work for her.  So, there we were, visiting the wound care clinic regularly and cleaning and packing my wound until it was healed.  So, I think it is clear that I didn't care much for my experience the first time around... so, next time--that is, if ol' Smidty didn't do any serious damage during her circus performance in the OR, we may go somewhere else.  As for our happy ending--well, when it is all said and done, we were left with a very healthy baby... and we did what we needed to do to get back to "normal" and we made it through it.... and we are better because of it.  ....and we live happily ever after.....

Today, Hayes is doing so well.  He is healthy-28.2 pounds and 33 inches tall.  He is a pretty good eater.  He remembers things we did months ago.  He speaks fairly clear--and in several word sentences.  He loves to dance and sing.  He loves his dog, Oliver, and greets him and has to give him goodnight kisses and hugs just as he does us.  He is finding that some things look like other things and he likes to tell us when he sees that.  He is mannerly but forgets that he is sometimes and we need to remind him(--that is going to happen for years to come, I am sure--but he does very well).  He can follow direction.  He tells me, "be careful, Mom. love you, Mom" as I leave to go to work.  He is very loving and thoughful and we have many more years of fun, growth, trial and love to come!!

Here is Hayes after his birthday party trimming the branches of our Christmas tree with his new reciprocating saw.